Monday, September 7, 2015

One Year Later- What I learned when my marriage ended.

On September 7th, 2014 Jarod and I decided to separate. It was something we talked about for awhile but that was the day it became official. Although it wasn't a shock, I still can't believe it happened.

It's been 365 days and I still have a lot of feelings surrounding our separation; on any given day I can fluctuate from happy to sad to guilty to angry to lonely. 

1. I am stronger than I ever knew. I've had multiple Crohn's-related surgerys, lost my grandparents quickly and far too soon and been the victim of sexual violence. Nothing compares to the pain of saying goodbye to the life you dreamed about.

2. You weren't really my friend. I've lost a lot of friends. There were the ones that left because they were friends-through-marriage but the really surprising ones were the ones who I met on my own. The people I developed a deep bond with. Losing those relationships hurt the most; but, now I see it as a blessing. My circle is small but tight. Thank you to those of you who have taken my phone calls at god-only-knows what time and somehow managed to understand me through my sobbing.

3. Rushing into dating isn't a good idea. I got into a relationship fairly soon after separating. The guy was (and still is) an amazing person. He's kind, funny, smart and caring. Through therapy, I helped realize I wasn't ready for a relationship. The issues from my marriage were still in the forefront and it wasn't fair to focus on something new when I was still dealing with the past. We broke up but remain friends. It'll be awhile before I'm ready to open my heart up to someone again. They say it takes the average person two years to "get over" a marriage and feel like they're ready to move on. I used to laugh at that. Now, I believe it.

4. People love drama. Everyone wants to know what happened to end the marriage. That's like asking why you love your job or why you decided to buy your house. There are many reasons. I can't pick one. I live a very public life, as a television news reporter, but there are some parts of my life I need to keep private. It's hard for people to understand and many believe I'm hiding something. I'm not. I'm choosing to protect Jarod, London and myself. Over the last year, I've been bullied, lied to, mocked and harassed. I will not compromise my beliefs or values to satisfy your need to gossip. 

5. I work with the best. I've always known my newsroom colleagues were amazing but this last year they've proven themselves even more. I really try and stay strong, and hold it together, on rough days but it's tough to hide your feelings from people you spend the majority of your time with. They've hugged me, listened to me and wiped away my tears. They let me have time off when I had three weeks to find a new house, attend multiple therapy appointments or the few times I couldn't drag myself out of bed. 

6. I may never know if it was the right decision. Every single day I think about if splitting up was the right thing to do. I miss the comfort of coming home to someone every night, the friendship and seeing my child every day. I miss the other children we were supposed to have, the trips we planned to take and the memories we would have created in our dream home. 

7. It will be okay. It's fair to say this has been the toughest year of my life. I feel guilty saying that because I know others are going through tougher battles I can't even begin to imagine. Despite, my fears and guilty and what-ifs, I know I'll be okay. So will Jarod and so will London. I'm lucky to have them both and so many others who have stuck with us. I have a long road of recovery ahead of me, I think we both do. We will get through this and, no matter what happens, we will come out stronger, happier and better people because of it.

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