Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Will I Be A Mom Again?

Sunday, Jarod and I had one of our best talks in months. I might even say...years. 

We talked about everything from what went wrong in our marriage, to our separation and our future. The future talk also involved other relationships and more children. It was long overdue.

To be honest, I've been very stressed lately. I think a bit part of the reason I'm still sick is stress-related. I spent eight years with Jarod. I knew we were going to get married and have children and grow old together. Then, that changed. It's stressful, and heart-breaking, to have that change. Yes, separating was my idea (<<<Jarod--because I know you'll read this and call me out if I don't say that) but it was the hardest thing I've ever done. It's still hard. Every single day is hard.

I spend a lot of time worrying about how I'm going to be able to afford a new place to live, how I'm going to handle London being gone 50% of the time (I can't even type this without crying) and if I'm ever going to be able to let someone completely into my heart again. I also spend a lot of time thinking about if I'm ever going to be a mom again.

Ever since I was little I always wanted to be a mom. I originally planned to be a school teacher, since I love the idea of spending my days and nights surrounded by children, but that changed when I discovered broadcasting. So, when Jarod and I had London I knew I wasn't done. Now, that our marriage is over I've spent a lot of time wondering what that meant for my dreams of having more kids. 

London is my whole world. I love him more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.

I have so much more love to give. I'm not old, by any means, but I am getting older. I don't want to rush into anything but I also don't want to wait years before giving London brothers and/or sisters. 
Jarod knows I want more children. He was always on the fence. He hated (his word) the baby phase but is a great dad now that he and London can play hockey 24/7.  He says he's done but I know I'm not.

A lot of my friends are pregnant, or just had babies, and that only reaffirms my decision.

I'm not sure where this post is going but sometimes it feels good to just type and get my feelings out. 

There's just so much uncertainty in my life right now. Closing a chapter of your life is scary. The thought of completely opening up my heart to someone else is just as terrifying. 

My friend Jo wrote something in a post Monday that just stuck with me. Read the whole post here. I'll share my favourite part below:

My biggest fear in life is regrets, or “What-Ifs”. I don’t want to look back and wonder what kind of magic I could have created had I not been willing to take a risk.  One of the most important pieces of advice I can offer is, if you’re waiting to feel 100% fearless, 100% certain and 100% confident as a sign that you’re “ready” or “making the right decision” you’ll be waiting forever.  I can promise you this: You WILL feel afraid and it always accompanies a certain level of risk and uncertainty when an experience is really important for us. Being scared doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do something – more often than not, IT MEANS WE SHOULD!

For now, my main focus is London. My little man who makes me feel like I'm a superhero. I'm also going to focus on not being afraid anymore and remembering that I'm lucky to have a pretty good relationship with his dad. 

We will get through this together (even if some days it's really hard to remember that.)

1. Have you gone through anything tough lately? How did you get through it?
2. Are you an emotional eater? I'm more of an emotional exerciser but this cold is wrecking that! Bring on the chips and candy!
3. Do you come from a big family or a small family? Small family. It's just my brother and me. My mom is an only children and my dad's siblings all live in England.

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